Resiliency– How did I get here?
by Lisa “Jean” Madden,© 2007
The number one question people ask me then they learn about my childhood is, “How did you manage to go through all that and still be OK?” This is such a tough question. What are the things that made the difference between my siblings that don’t seem to be “OK” and me? How am I different from all of those other foster kids that ended up addicted to drugs and alcohol, in abusive relationships, or in and out of prison? How did I go from a shy terrified little girl to a brave powerful woman? What made me go on to college even though I had terrible learning disabilities and had dropped out of high school? What made me want to spend more than four years in therapy at least twice a month trying to sort it all out?
Well, there are probably lots of answers, but the number one answer for me is that I wanted to be OK. I decided that no matter what it took I was not going to let my past ruin my life. Early on, I recognized that this really was a choice I could make. I went to therapy; and still do when I need to. I took medication when I needed to. I read self-help books. I took care of my body, my mind, and my spirit. I took responsibility for my recovery; and at some point no one else’s. I stopped babysitting my family, dysfunctional friends, and lovers. It was their job to take care of themselves, not mine. Even if it hurt, I distanced myself from those that kept me from improving my life. I worked hard to get over the biases I had towards people with better lives, people that hadn’t suffered like I did. I had to do that in order to be OK with improving my life and to learn to relate to healthy successful people. I had to actively let go of my past in order to be OK and I have no regrets.
Another thing that I believed helped me grow into the person I am today, was that I was loved as a child. In spite of my mother’s terrible mental illness, she loved me and I loved her. When I think about the other foster kids I grew up with, I still feel such sadness for many of them because they had no one to love them. They didn’t have anyone to call them, to write them, or to visit them while they were in foster care; I did. I was unlucky in that I didn’t end up with any good foster parents. So having a mother that loved me, that I could love back, was a buffer in a world where people kept me for money, for labor, to abuse, but never really gave a damn about me. I believe being loved is one of the keys to growing up OK; love from good foster parents, from family members, from supportive caring people in the community. It doesn’t really matter where it comes from, as long as it’s stable and consistent. Even when my mother was institutionalized we remained in contact. The letters and the phone calls really made a difference for me, even if sometimes they were crazy. Foster parents, relatives, people from groups like Big Brothers and Sisters, can offer foster kids this kind of support, even after they leave their care. It doesn’t take much and it can make an incredible difference.
I also developed a spiritual life sometime after high school. I didn’t follow any particular religion but I knew that God had some purpose for me, that all of my suffering had some meaning. The events of my childhood, while incredibly difficult, made me stronger. I use that strength to get me through trying times still today. By developing a spiritual life that has given meaning to my past I am able feel OK about what happened to me. I still get scared and overwhelmed but I never let it defeat me. I am always able to remind myself that I have been though much worse. It is this ability to overcome intense challenges that has allowed me to make the most of what life has to offer.
Fortunately, I am now in a place where I can take my life’s lessons and give back to those in need. By being a role-model to children facing similar challenges in their life, I feel I have begun to fulfill my true purpose. I look forward to the future with hope and passion; pretty amazing for a kid once so hopeless that she thought she would be dead by age 20.
